Can this marriage be saved
You are not the only one who asks the question can this marriage be saved?
If you are in fact wondering, “Can this marriage be saved?” then you have reached a crossroads in your life. We all know the statistic: 50 percent of all marriages will end because of “irreconcilable differences.” How can you avoid the same fate?
Sometimes it may feel as if you are helpless to stop what’s coming. You try to tuck away your suspicions after an argument, only to face one problem after another. You try to ignore issues when you can, but it seems as if your partner is unwilling to compromise. It feels like you’re battling the inevitable. Is separation and divorce in your future? How hard should you try when asking yourself, can this marriage be saved?
The way things used to be
You have probably heard your parents or grandparents say that years ago, divorce just wasn’t an option. Back in the day, people fought hard to keep their marriages—they wanted to honor their vows. Today times have changed; there are more divorces in the modern age than there ever were in the 1960s or 1970s, though you could easily point to the progression of feminism and rising disinterest in traditional religion as factors. Nevertheless, some people remain convinced: young people today just don’t fight to save their marriages.
It’s not can this marriage be saved – it’s “should”?
Before you bring heavy pressure on yourself to make the “right” decision about this, it’s time to answer the question: should this marriage be saved? Dysfunctional relationships are rarely defended, even by the most conservative of institutions. Relationships that involve physical violence, verbal abuse, drug abuse, or chronic infidelity are never worth staying for.
When asking, “Can this marriage be saved?” a logical answer would be to answer these questions honestly:
- Is your life or your happiness in danger if you stay married?
- Can you identify the problem that’s creating stress?
- Have you ever talked to your partner about the major problems?
- Has your partner ever tried to change?
- Have you tried to change as a way to negotiate with your partner?
- Do the good memories still outweigh the bad ones?
Can this marriage be saved? A 5 point checklist to guide you
It’s important that you resist making an impulsive decision. In fact, emotion shouldn’t play a part in this at all. We all become emotional during stressful situations, and may even say things we don’t mean just to hurt the other person. Instead, focus on the logical side.
Don’t ask “Can this marriage be saved?” until you have checked off each point:
- I have explained to my partner what bothers me in great detail. I have confronted my own flaws as well. I have tried to negotiate with him/her so that we can find peaceful solutions, and we can both get some of what we want. (If you haven’t been through these steps and tried to increase communication, you haven’t tried hard enough)
- I have tried to adopt new hobbies that my partner enjoys in the spirit of giving. I am not resentful about my partner’s changing interests. (Indeed, we all change. Don’t fixate on how much your partner has changed since you first met. It’s only natural to experience changes in perspective and interests)
- I have made a list of pros and cons for my staying or going. I am focusing only on the logic of the situation. I want us both to be happy and am willing to do what it takes to reach that state. (Caring for your partner and wanting him/her to be happy should be the priority. If your partner is miserable, and you can’t change the factors that cause that misery, then pressuring him or her to stay with you is not what you should do)
- I know my threshold for unhappiness. I know what I can take and what I can’t. I have established boundaries. This is one of the most important factors in determining whether to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. If you never set any personal boundaries for abuse, disrespect, or negligence, then you will let your partner walk all over you. Stay strong and never let anyone violate your trust.
- I have told my partner that we are reaching a critical level in our marriage. I have told him/her that I am unhappy. I have talked about couple’s therapy. I have confided in friends and sought their advice. I have done my best to warn my spouse that this is not just another argument or complaint. I sincerely want to make this work before I give up.
Yes, it’s not “can” this marriage be saved—it’s should. If you and your partner are still capable of enjoying each other’s company, and if you still have feelings for each other, then don’t give up too soon. True love requires a little patience and maintenance to keep it strong. If you still respect each other and want what’s best for your partner, then you do have a relationship that’s worth keeping.
